Losing it one pound at a time

I feel empowered. Really empowered. What a beautiful thing. As I wrote last week, I lost my job. I feel like God answered my prayers and stopped the merry-go-round for me and said “she needs a break”. I’m off the constant motion and I feel like my clarity is coming back. It is so easy to lose yourself in work, lose yourself in busy-ness and forget about what direction you want your life to take. I was totally in that place. But I knew I wanted out because my life wasn’t going down the path I had hoped for. I was completely stressed out, eating all the time, and from the minute I woke up and started thinking about work until I came home my adrenaline was running high, my heart pumping and I knew it wasn’t good for my long term health. Not to mention it was affecting my kids and my husband - my marriage. I was losing myself and I knew it.

So here I am - suddenly calm and elated. Making plans for my family and my boys…knowing I can take them to their sports practices without worrying about carpooling issues, making my health a priority and enjoying my workouts instead of rushing through them. I’m laughing again. My husband has become funny again. I’m singing in the car again. The worry about work, how am I stacking up, what my managers think….it’s gone. Bye-Bye. I’ve also noticed I’m no longer  hungry all the time. I think I used to eat non-stop because I had constant nervous energy going on and I felt like I had to be doing “something” so if I stopped working on a project at work I’d take a break to eat. I’m excited to see how my body and weight will adjust to this calmer lifestyle.

So yes, I’m empowered. I know that God has an amazing plan for me. I’m not worried about what I’m going to do because everything always, always works out for the best. And He helped me, at 41, get my life back in order. I am so grateful.

On Monday on my way to work I found out that the company I’ve worked for 15 years is closing my division. Thousands of people lost their jobs, including me. I’ve been anticipating this for a long time….actually it’s been about a  year… so I wasn’t completely surprised. I’ve been under extreme stress and anxiety - I had even had a few panic attacks last spring just wondering “if” and “when” this would happen. So when I got the call I was suprisingly calm. I had to call my team together (I manage 16 people who were affected) and had to let them know. It was really, really devastating to communicate this information to people that I truly care about. I have to tell you, they took it really well. The sadest part is that we all really like each other so much. Monday was probably one of the most difficult days I’ve ever had.

Tuesday morning I felt RELIEVED. I knew that I had been stressed, depressed, whatever - and that weight was gone. Sometimes when I wake up I have a song that plays in my head (am I the only one?) and on Tuesday - I swear to you - the song from Oklahoma “Oh what a beautiful mornin’….” was playing in my head. I feel like yes, this chapter is closing but a new and exciting chapter is opening up.

I’ve mentioned before in this blog that my weight gain started after the birth of my third child 3 years ago, but it also happened at the time I accepted a management position within my company 3 years ago. The management position was rewarding because I loved the people I managed, but also extremely difficult and stressful. I’m hopeful that now that I’m no longer in my job and the stress is gone I can get my weight back on track. I’m a major emotional eater, I often joke about the peanut m&m’s in the office that call my name every day at 3 pm. No more m&m’s for me.

The silver lining in my cloud is that now I get to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life! The canvas is completely open, it’s my turn to paint it any color I want.  To all of my buddies, I’d love it if you could send me your prayers and positive energy, I need some guidance about which direction to take. I’m seriously considering starting my own business. I want to be in charge of my own time, have more flexibility with my schedule, etc.  I’m a little scared but also very excited about the prospect of doing what I want to and really changing the direction for the next chapter of my life. And part of that is getting back to who I used to be: calmer, happier and skinnier.

So that’s the newest with me. I hope you are all doing well. More soon.